When to Confront Someone: The Rule of Three

I read this today on one of the HBR blogs and found it very actionable and useful information.

When someone shows up late to a meeting or makes a comment that makes you uncomfortable, it can be difficult to decide if it's a big enough deal to address or if you should let it go. In situations like these, try using the "rule of three." The first time someone does something that makes you uncomfortable, take notice of your discomfort. The second time, acknowledge that the first time was not an isolated incident and that there may be a pattern emerging. The third time it's time to speak up. Tell the person that you've noticed something three times and you want to discuss it with him. This simple rule can both help you determine what's worth raising and hold you back from jumping on every single issue.

I always say some version of, "I've noticed something three times and I want to discuss it with you." That way we both know it's a trend.


Is it OK to talk to them about it the first time? Sure. You don't have to wait. But everyone slips once or twice. Just don't let it go three times without having a conversation. Three is a good rule of thumb because it allows you to act with confidence that it's not all in your head. And in these situations, confidence is critical to your ability to speak with authority.

You can read the full article on
http://blogs.hbr.org/bregman/2009/11/when-to-confront-someone-the-r.html?cm_mmc=npv-_-MANAGEMENT_TIP-_-APR_2010-_-MTOD0406&referral=00203